Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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