I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
