i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
