I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He passed out mid-signature
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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