did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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