were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
