I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
