I can tuck mytits in my pants
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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