Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
