i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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