got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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