saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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