when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
