You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
