When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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