I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
