I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
