Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
