i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
