when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
