Ambien. No doubt about it.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
