Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
