my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
