from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
