i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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