he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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