Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
