I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
