My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
