Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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