he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
