I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
