Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
