i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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