party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
why do cheetos always look like penises
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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