C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
