I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I am mentally ready for anal.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
