3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
