Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
