he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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