Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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