that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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