After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
