Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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