took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
