i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
