Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
