my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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