I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
