I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
