Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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