ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
