What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
