distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
