My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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