I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
