At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
